The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
even my farts smell like vagina
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
