hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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