How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
