I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
