i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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