I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
