god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize