He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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