My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
