drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
