I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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