the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
