I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
