if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
