saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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