I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
