had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
