Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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