dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
