i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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