I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
