Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
