Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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