I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
