I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
