I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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