She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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