The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
