She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Randomize
