My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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