Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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