Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
