you didnt know i had herpes?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
