Moan for me like Helen Keller
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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