when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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