He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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