I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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