the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
