I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
