Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
