I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
well I can't set my house on fire every night
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Mom said you looked used
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Randomize
