I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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