You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
