No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
