It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
