He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
