the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
