hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
