no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
