I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
