She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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