I'm gonna have a badass scar
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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