At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
