Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
