Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
