Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
