Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
