So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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